Thought of the Day: Making Time

Posted on by Han_A

Making time for people is definitely a love language.

I mean, speaking personally for me, when someone – as busy as they are – can make that time to accommodate your company or help you in some way it means the whole world. The time may not be very much but you’re aware it may have been difficult to even provide that little pocket of space, so it’s a short but meaningful time together.

In a world where everyone is busy all the time, making time for people, despite this can speak volumes and says a whole lot without saying much at all. Not just about your character, but how you feel about that other person too.

However, not everyone is this way – you often find people that just are always busy and brush off the plans with you because of it. Next thing you know, days become weeks, become months and you haven’t heard from this person. I mean I get it, we all have things to do, but what that tells me is that I’m very far down the priority list. This can be a bit disheartening, to say the least, but, as a silver lining, lets you know where you stand with certain people.

Obviously, depending on what occupies your time, you may have things in your calendar that can’t necessarily be reshuffled or deprioritised, even if you wanted to – and that’s fine. This particularly can be the case for many people with family responsibilities, senior work roles, or both, for example. The next best thing then is to look ahead – ‘I can’t see you or make this date to meet you, but perhaps we can do this alternative date instead?’ The proactivity behind this means the initial rejection you have to provide to that person ends on a positive note. It says ‘I still am keen to see you and invest in our relationship’ and that’s important. That reassurance is all people want and luckily, it doesn’t take much to provide it – just make time for them or display a willingness to.

How could you make more time for the people in your life?

Photo by Malvestida on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: When you need a friend

Posted on by Han_A

‘I miss the days when you could just go to friends’ houses and be welcomed’

Someone said something along those lines the other days and I immediately thought ‘I don’t’.

Imagine: you’ve just logged off after your last work meeting the day. Tired is not even the word for how you’re feeling. Dinner is ready and you already have a film in mind for the evening. JUST as you’re about to press play on the film – the doorbell rings.

I’m not even sure I was old enough to properly experience those days but imagine the hassle of having to welcome people into your home, unexpected and uninvited, at various hours of the day. Very stressful indeed. Particularly when you think about the energy and effort that often has to go into hosting people. It’s energy and effort I’m sure people these days are still willing to exert – just not without warning.

This sentiment plays into the wider idea that people are increasingly less accessible. And I suspect this is true. It’s ironic too considering we’re more well-connected tech-wise than we’ve ever been before. We’ve all had the scenario with someone close to us where you want to meet up with them and you have to flick through diaries – sometimes months ahead to find a feasible date that works for both of you. People in general have become less accessible and lonelier. Probably not a coincidence I suspect.

Even I often find having a social life, as much as I enjoy it, sometimes can feel like a part-time job. I’m always grateful once I’m around people but sometimes I feel like energy is always in short supply, particularly when social plans are made after work, which has used up all my energy – leaving me shattered and chewed out!

Back to this idea of accessibility though – I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing but it just depends on the level and frequency. For example, you may be inaccessible at certain points in a day or week and that’s fine, if not necessary for your sanity. Also, how do we define accessibility? Typically, how easy it is to get through to people by phone. This becomes a problem if you want to be accessible a lot because you feel you can’t really detach from your phone – always paranoid when you do THAT will be the moment someone has an emergency and needs you. Likely a delusional thought but one I have often, nonetheless.

Many people are actively trying to limit their screen time and I support this. In fact, I should probably jump on that train soon but for now, using do not disturb and making sure calls are scheduled (as opposed to spontaneous!) are my happy medium.

How do you manage your screen time and stay accessible to others? Any tips?

Photo by NoWah Bartscher on Unsplash

 Art is in the eye of the beholder: American Fiction – An honest review

Posted on by Han_A

I watched this film the other day, which had magically landed on Prime – a relief for me who, just a few weeks ago was about to fork out money to watch in the cinema. Since it won an Oscar this year (Best Adapted Screenplay) my expectations were naturally high – why not read on to find out if they were met 😉.

This film centres around academic, Theolonious (let’s call him Theo for short). Like most academics he writes books for income, as well as lectures. The problem with his most recent book idea? It hasn’t been picked up by publishers. At the start of the film, we seem him arguing with his colleague who boasts that in the time it’s taken Theo to write one book he’s published several.

At some point, he comes across author Sintara Golden, (played by Issa Rae), who has written a book which is received much praise. He scoffs, since he feels the book is stereotypical and essentially beneath him. But later, primarily as a joke, he decides to write a similar book. He leans on racial stereotypes to create a novel which he thinks as a Black man, the world would expect him to write, but which he refuses to. The problem is, it’s floated past publishers and they LOVE it. What unfolds next is an amusing unravelling, as Theo is forced to ride out his lie, the more popular this book – which he doesn’t even like – becomes more popular in the literary community.

My take

There’s so much to dive into around this film – it makes rich material for a post-film discussion, I would say. A key theme that runs throughout is if it’s possible to be a successful artist and not compromise on your vision. The author Sintara’s book has received much acclaim for a book which focuses on what would be seen as stereotypically Black content. In other words features what Blackness might look like from a white perspective. When we hear her reading out an excerpt of the book at an event Theo is at, it’s in a broken type of English, reminiscent of Celie’s voice in The Colour Purple. An indicator that her Black characters are uneducated.

Her book’s acclaim, Theo would very much like to have but as a novelist who refuses to compromise, he doesn’t (much to his agent’s anguish). Well, that’s until his satirical novel unexpectedly takes off! There’s an interesting scene with Theo and Sintara which captures this theme well. Where he asks her about her book and what he sees as is ‘Black trauma porn’ nature. She eventually says something along the lines of – ‘you have to give the people what they want’. What I took from that, if you’re an artist living under capitalism and your art is your income, unless incredibly lucky in some way, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to create art that just pleases YOU. You’ll have to be thinking about the demand for your art and audience; all of which will dictate how it’s received. Essentially, you’re creating a product.

In the same scene with Theo and Sintara – Theo confides to Sintara that he wasn’t a big fan of her book, simply because he feels like it leans into a singular narrative told around Black people that he feels is overdone. There’s so many other experiences to write stories about! Sintara points out, that she actually put a lot of hard work and research into the book. Plus, Black people do suffer, so that narrative will always need to be told, and in doing so relate to many. I found this to be an interesting discussion, mainly because both have valid points, although I lean more toward Theo’s perspective in this instance.

Other thoughts

These days with many films, I find myself either captivated by the characters or storyline but rarely both. In this case, it was the latter – the storyline had me fairly invested but the characters, not so much. I struggled to reconcile, all Theo’s family stuff (he has a fairly tumultuous relationship with his brother, his father is dead and his mother is recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s) with all the shenanigans happening with his book. My inkling is that maybe they aren’t meant to be reconciled and if so – fair enough. I guess the idea is that seeing scenes with his family allows us to make better sense of Theo’s character – see him beyond his literary ambitions and rage at the system.

Overall…

7.5/10 – It has a level of absurdity to it that I liked and got used to over time – it even got an occasional laugh from me (even though comedy isn’t its main focus). It also covered a lot of interesting themes smartly, so I appreciated that.

You can watch the trailer here.

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Have you watched the film? Let’s compare notes – let me know what you think 😊

Thought of the day: Observer of change, woman of growth

Posted on by Han_A

Every now and then I dip in and out of Facebook which I’ve had since I was a teenager. It’s weird because many things that happen remind me of how much things – particularly the people I grew up with – have changed.

I find myself, for example, unliking a lot of pages that I previously loved/eagerly followed when younger or randomly wondering who some of the people I’m ‘friends’ with are. Back when I was more active on the platform, I had a weird obsession with getting to 1,000 friends – it literally means nothing, just a random goal that I was determined to meet. I did reach it over time but, as with many milestones you create in your mind, nothing happened – no pot of gold dropped into my lap or whatnot (sadly).

I increasingly realise with each scroll that growth is inevitable and is actually more evident than I like to think it is. My community of friends and what I’m into are evolving. I’ve probably not realised it since I often feel like more of an observer of change on the platform – everyone is having babies, getting married, or proposed to – with lots of cute pictures to announce such, and I’m just there…

But as I unliked a page recently and viewed one of those ‘memories’ from Facebook which remind you of what you posted on a specific day several years ago, I realised perhaps I’ve grown more than I thought I have.

Perhaps, the world isn’t just passing me by – a runaway train I missed the chance to jump on.

Perhaps the transformation I’ve always seen as something I could only glimpse from a distance is closer than I realise.

There’s comfort in that and enjoyment in hoping that change continues on a positive trajectory as I seek to discover what on Earth it means to be ‘me’.

Have you had a moment of reflection recently on how much or in what ways exactly you’ve grown? Feel free to comment and share 🙂

Photo by Tobias Dziuba: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-laptop-near-plant-927629/

Thought of the Day: Off the chest

Posted on by Han_A

‘Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

when they settle ‘neath your skin.

Stuck on the inside with no sunlight

sometimes the shadow wins’

The words above are from the song Brave by American singer, Sara Bareilles (one of my faves). In the chorus, she sings…’say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out...’ There’s something very frustrating about being with someone and not being able to say the words that are heavy on your heart and mind. Despite their weight and your mental determination to say them, they just don’t seem to come out on demand – almost like your momentarily shortcircuiting.  Every time you miss an opportunity to speak your mind it’s almost like the words haunt you. Dancing in your peripheral vision, so close at the tip of your tongue but yet so far.

Words can be two-edged swords, so for me when I find myself in these situations the fear which causes me to hold back is due to the unpredictability of the consequences. The recipient(s) may take it well, or may not at all. Your message may be received and understood clear as day…or not at all. It does mostly depend on the person you want to confide in but sometimes even the closest of people may not handle confessions well, everyone’s human so everyone’s unpredictable. But it also makes such confessions admittedly more stressful!

Sometimes you have to close your eyes and say it. Hope that they’ll open their ears and hold your words with willing hands. That they’ll ask questions but be sympathetic and understand. Delivery is important of course but I would say words said with love and out in the open are sometimes better than no words said at all. Words left on the back shelf, wrapped in the dust of regret. And who wants that?

Do any moments come to mind where you’re grateful you said something instead of being silent?

*Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

The pursuit of ‘getting yourself together’ and why we often fail at it

Posted on by Han_A

Recently I watched a video on YouTube, in which a woman talks for 12 mins essentially about how her life, is anything but in order. You can watch it here – it’s called ‘I’m a 33-year-old woman with no life’. To provide some context, The Youtuber featured is divorced and currently job searching. And although she explains she has the social support of friends, this is something that perhaps would have surprised her younger self, who expected her to be happily in love and professionally thriving at her now age (33.) I’m sure many can relate to this feeling. Many women, in particular, often put a timeline on certain experiences or key moments they want to happen in their lives – i.e. having a baby at 26, owning a house by 35, etc. But you know what they say about plans we make. God laughs. Very loudly.

Although only about two months old, the video has blown up – receiving over a million views in that short amount of time. So, a natural question for me, as a self-proclaimed curiosity queen, once I saw the views it was racking up was ‘why?’. Two obvious answers you may come to:

  1. Why not? It’s good/interesting content that naturally attracts people over time.
  2. Maybe it’s more of a schauenfraude situation where people watch to gain comfort from the YouTuber’s misery. (I.e. ‘Thank God, I’m not her – my life sounds much better.’)

I did of course consider the above but both were quickly dispelled when I read through the comments on the hunt for an answer to my question – why was this video becoming so popular?

I was quite surprised to see that so many people resonated personally with the video. Many felt that they had fallen short of their own expectations – particularly female commenters and were just relieved to have their insecurities or perceived sense of stagnation mirrored back to them.

There was something about this YouTuber’s story that simply resonated with viewers even if it was only a chunk of the story and not it’s whole. And perhaps, her straightforward honesty and approach were refreshing on a platform where everyone feels they have to be scripted, overly bubbly or dramatic. They’re extremes that have worked for content on YouTube for a while, and to some extent still do. However, as the rise of this video shows, there seems to be a growing desire for authentic content. Where creators are more forthcoming about their flaws and instead of presenting themselves as experts that viewers must go to – perhaps creating more of a community. This may simply mean instead of having a video that gives ‘expert’ advice, you admit you don’t know and ask people for their advice on the topic.

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Thought of the Day: Everybody loves good neighbours

Posted on by Han_A

Many of us are familiar with the much-loved Australian soap that is Neighbours. For those that aren’t, it features a close-knit community of people that live on a road called Ramsey Street, as they get on with their lives.

However, switch to real life and many of us don’t have close next-door neighbours as they do in the show. You come out of your home on a sunny day and it’s not suddenly ‘oh hey Harold’, ‘Good morning, Mrs Specks!’ – as you’ll typically see dramatised each morning on screen. Instead, it’s a quiet affair. If you see familiar faces that you suspect live nearby or on the street, you may smile or give a nod but the general aim is to keep it moving.

It’s one of the major problems that has grown with living in urban areas – many people live insular lives. It’s why loneliness rates simply skyrocket within cities, compared to the countryside where populations are likely smaller and more friendly with each other. In fact, what we see through social media is what seems to be a massive spike of distrust of neighbours even – people are installing Ring doorbells in droves, eager to find out which suspicious neighbour has been stealing their property or whatnot.

I was thinking more about this breakdown of the urban neighbourhood in response to hearing the tragic story of Kenneth Battersby and his son, Bronson. In summary, Kenneth living in central England (East Midlands, for my UK readers) had a suspected heart attack late last month and his son, who was only two years old, who suddenly no longer had parental support was forced to fend for himself before eventually dying of starvation days later. They were found by social services earlier this month. Such a tragic story – I really couldn’t believe it. Neighbours reportedly recalled hearing the child crying for his ‘daddy’ So I couldn’t help but wonder, if neighbours checked in on each other more, and had those bonds – would they have perhaps discovered the distressed child earlier?. Only God knows, I guess.

Obviously, I can’t generalise since I’m sure there are some fairly close knit city based neighbourhoods out there. I even see, to help this issue, that local councils or active local residents try to organise events such a street parties or jumble sales, to bring people closer. This post is simply based on my observations and own experience. I’ve lived on my street in London for over twenty years and probably know/ speak to about five people or families out of the thirty-odd properties that surround my house (tragic, I know). I don’t see that changing very much in the future, to be honest but I think what’s important is being open to those conversations, being helpful and cordial where you can with such neighbours so those opportunities to bond can happen.

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Let’s talk! What is your neighbourhood like? Are you close with your neighbours or wish you knew them better? Let me know!

*Photo by Mark Stuckey on Unsplash

The many faces of a predator – A review of docuseries, ‘Betrayal: The Perfect Husband’

Posted on by Han_A

TW: This series and my review about it concern grooming and sexual assault

About

This three-episode docuseries, available on Disney+ explores a case featured in the (apparently) well-known podcast – Betrayal (season 1).

In 2019, teacher Spencer Herron was arrested for sexual assault of a pupil and eventually pleaded guilty. This shocked everyone around him who saw him as a happy husband and passionate teacher, who taught at the local high school (whilst occasionally doing music work with the army.)

The series mainly follows Jenifer Faison, a reality TV producer (if I recall correctly) Spencer’s ex-wife, and the Betrayal podcast host who unpack the series of events and discoveries that follow Spencer’s arrest.

My thoughts

Although I am a massive podcast fan, particularly of stories told in an investigative manner (think Serial, Dirty John and Hoaxed), having visuals to aid the storytelling for this particular story was useful and refreshing. As someone who is a fan of efficiency too, I suspect the series tells the story slightly faster than the podcast does so I feel like I’ve won back more of my time overall! Although I’m sure referring to the podcast is a good idea if you want further details possibly not covered in the series.

Sexual predators have a knack for being able to wear different masks accordingly. They do so with strategy and at all times. Why? Because without such deceit, their offenses would not be possible. Grooming and any assault that follows thrives on secrecy. Jennifer describes how Spencer was nothing but loving towards her, she recalls fond memories of him being attentive and doting as a boyfriend, and later as her husband. It’s why what happened next (i.e. him being arrested) was a rather abrupt series of events for her – she never saw it coming from a million miles away. And with one arrest her life started to collapse around her as more secrets were revealed.

Wearing masks, or rather crafting public perception carefully means that predators are always under the radar. Spencer is described as a popular teacher, the one the kids found ‘cool’. He even won a Teacher of the Year award in their district, for goodness sake. This is important to note because it means when allegations of such come out people usually react first with incredulity – ‘Spencer doing that? Surely not’. He’s such ‘a good man’. Of course, this isn’t true, he’s worked hard to ensure you only see a manufactured positive side to him that would ensure he avoided suspicion. It also paints a picture of what a survivor is up against if they want to speak out – who would believe that Mr Good guy teacher would do such a thing? The next assumption is that the accuser must have an agenda up their sleeves. Belief in their claims and solidarity with the survivor never occurs as an option to some. The uphill mountain can be steep enough for survivors to be scared silent altogether. However, there’s so much power in speaking out and I appreciate they were able to dedicate an episode to the survivor, Rachel’s story.

I think this series, although on a topic that is sadly not new, is done well and handled very sensitively. It explores the raw emotions and talks with various people affected by the chain of events – from Jennifer herself who had to deal with the unprecedented events of the person she was married to being an abuser and serial adulterer, to Jennifer’s parents and the various pupils taught by Spencer Heron. There was a saddening moment when Jennifer’s mum in the middle of talking said that this was the first time, she’d properly acknowledged that she had so much anger about this situation. It was a striking moment for her and one that stuck with me – I nearly welled up at that moment actually.

Properly respecting the story and experiences of those affected by a crime is always a sign of a good documentary or podcast for me. We often spend too long trying to psychoanalyse and ‘understand’ criminals themselves and whilst I can understand the appeal it means we often lose the voices of survivors in the process. A balance must be struck and this series aside, many media outlets have a lot of work to do in that regard.

It’s confirmed what I’ve always thought – that unfortunately, many sex offenders do not get as harsh a sentence as they deserve for the damage, they’ve inflicted on the community they reside and offend within. Whilst no bodies have to be buried, the scars they leave are deep and painful, often never leaving those affected – especially direct victims.

Recommend?

Anyway, I would recommend the watch – it’s very informative, the series is peppered with psychological insight from professionals which helps dive deeper into the story it’s covering but be warned it’s not an easy one.

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For reviews of a similar topic, click here (Netflix series, the Trials of Gabriel Fernandez) or here (review of book, My Dark Red Vanessa).

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Mary did you know? (Aka The Christmas post)

Posted on by Han_A

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It feels like the day, although marked on many calendars, has come by surprisingly fast, hasn’t it? Minus all the obvious things that make the season special, I always find its uniqueness amplified by the quiet. Especially in a massive city like London, because public transport comes to a standstill many places become eerily silent, as people resort to sticking behind closed doors. I say quiet, but perhaps peace is a more accurate word. It’s a positive quiet. One that stills the heart and eases the mind – even if unusual and strange to the ears at first.

This Christmas as I read about the origin of the season in the New Testament, I take my mind back to the nativity scene. We see lots of artists’ renditions of this popular scene, who have themselves throughout time tried to recapture the magic. And although many are beautiful in nature, glorious even, they probably still fail to capture the magnitude of every bit of magic present at that moment.

Luke 2:19: But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart (ESV).

Imagine, the stable is dark is slightly smelly with farm animals groaning in the background, probably slightly confused at these strangers they’re being forced to share their territory with. Spots of moonlight shine through and work together with the odd lantern to create a close-to-home atmosphere for Mary and Joseph. Amid all the slight chaos, Mary looks longingly at Jesus with so much love and awe. He coos gently, simmering down after intense crying and the music of his voice is likely strong incense filling the room, even captivating the animals who are observing from a distance.

I love the verse above about Mary from the book of Luke which has stood out to me in the last week. I’ve seen a glimpse of someone I know looking at her firstborn as she was rocking her in a pram and if pure love could be freezeframed, that would be it. Similarly, Mary is tired and likely in pain but trying desperately to savour every moment of that night since she knows it’s the start of something life-changing – not just for her, but as she’s been told by an angel, for the whole of humanity. Her heart is full of joy, vibrating at the seams – unsure of what will happen next but also excited to see future events unfold.

Praying that your day is full of joy and happiness, wherever you are this Christmas! 😊

*Photo by Árni Svanur Daníelsson on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Why don’t you like me?

Posted on by Han_A

A recent post on Instagram reminded me of the blunt truth that some people don’t like you and never will. The people pleaser in me feels very indignant about that reality, thinking ‘Surely there’s something you can do or say to make everyone like you. Maybe you just haven’t discovered what that is yet.’

But the reality is, it’s not true. And although being unliked can be controlled or addressed in some circumstances, particularly if you (perhaps unknowingly) caused the hostility, sometimes it can’t. It might sometimes be because of factors you can’t control or don’t know, and that can be very frustrating. It can feel like an unsolvable puzzle which, no matter how much head scratching you don’t get closer to finding answers. And it can suck particularly if the hostility comes from someone you think is amazing – it’s just that they sadly don’t view you the same way.

It’s why the Biblical command to love others (John 13:34) can be very trying at the best of times. It’s all smooth sailing when the love and kindness is reciprocated but when others don’t see your worth or like you – how do you just blindly do the same? Even I’m (admittedly) sometimes inclined to like or value people a lot less if I don’t feel they don’t like me. We get a dopamine hit from being loved, appreciated and cared for so it’s very easy to avoid or throw people to the wayside if they don’t give you that feeling through positive treatment. I mean, love between humans will always be conditional in some shape or form – even if we perceive it not to be. (It’s what makes the way God loves us so spectacular and special! 😊).

As humans, alone in our own strength, I’m inclined to believe it’s impossible to love the way John 13 commands. We’ll always need divine help for this. But how others feel or behave towards us should not dictate the worth and value we see in them. As the new year approaches, even if you’re going into it quite indifferent and with low expectations – perhaps we can put on our goal list to have the courage to love others more boldly.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash