Making time for people is definitely a love language.
I mean, speaking personally for me, when someone – as busy as they are – can make that time to accommodate your company or help you in some way it means the whole world. The time may not be very much but you’re aware it may have been difficult to even provide that little pocket of space, so it’s a short but meaningful time together.
In a world where everyone is busy all the time, making time for people, despite this can speak volumes and says a whole lot without saying much at all. Not just about your character, but how you feel about that other person too.
However, not everyone is this way – you often find people that just are always busy and brush off the plans with you because of it. Next thing you know, days become weeks, become months and you haven’t heard from this person. I mean I get it, we all have things to do, but what that tells me is that I’m very far down the priority list. This can be a bit disheartening, to say the least, but, as a silver lining, lets you know where you stand with certain people.
Obviously, depending on what occupies your time, you may have things in your calendar that can’t necessarily be reshuffled or deprioritised, even if you wanted to – and that’s fine. This particularly can be the case for many people with family responsibilities, senior work roles, or both, for example. The next best thing then is to look ahead – ‘I can’t see you or make this date to meet you, but perhaps we can do this alternative date instead?’ The proactivity behind this means the initial rejection you have to provide to that person ends on a positive note. It says ‘I still am keen to see you and invest in our relationship’ and that’s important. That reassurance is all people want and luckily, it doesn’t take much to provide it – just make time for them or display a willingness to.
How could you make more time for the people in your life?
What that means is I take reviews SERIOUSLY. In fact, I’m sure one hates to see me coming because it won’t take me long to be all up in its business.
Before purchasing on Amazon, I’ll scroll through the reviews.
Before booking a hotel or booking on AirBnB, I’ll scroll through reviews carefully.
Even before an Instagram purchase or going for dinner somewhere – you guessed it – I’ll scroll through the comments analysing reviews.
I fall headfirst into detective mode. I’m looking for trends, looking for photos and looking to ultimately answer the question ‘should I buy/book this?’.
My go-to places are typically Google and Tripadvisor. The ratings and reviews often align on these sites, but if they didn’t, I may do a Reddit thread deep dive or look on Booking.com and Expedia. Trustpilot has also become part of my arsenal, saving me from many dodgy shopping sites. Literally THE other day, I was on it searching the brand behind an IG product I keep getting pushed my way. It’s a cleaning product I think would be really useful but I was too suspicious about the flood of positive comments under the ad. When I read through the Trustpilot comments, a poster commented, ‘I wish I had read the comments on here before purchasing.’ Such sentiments are exactly why I do it; better to be safe than sorry. For context, the company’s Trustpilot rating was pretty low and included a lot of complaints around delivery returns and general dissatisfaction with customer service.
And yes, for the sake of critical thinking, I will say that, of course, reviews are not gospel. There may be a slight bias in who is likely to leave a review. For example, disgruntled customers will do so more because they have a lot to get off their chest. I suspect it’s why I’ve observed a significant effort from many restaurants to incentivise happy customers to leave positive reviews. Similarly, fake reviews and deleted reviews (especially on socials, since companies are free to do this) massively skew ratings and can leave the wrong impression about a product or service you want to try.
I generally tend to trust reviews, though, because it’s very likely experiences will repeat themselves at an establishment. For example, if the issue is long waits for food and rude waiters, this won’t magically change overnight. Same with products; if battery life is poor and the product often stops working after 30 days of use, this is likely an inescapable issue that will affect you too. However, it’s possible a company may go under new management or redesign its product (this often happens with apps, for example). This is why I’ll always prioritise the recent reviews first. The tea they give you is going to be most relevant and up to date.
Lastly, I would like to take this moment in my blog post to thank the avid reviewers whose honest reviews single-handedly hold the review universe together. There are generally two types of consumers on the internet: passive ones and active ones who post reviews a lot. I’m in the former camp, but am super thankful for those in the latter category who even make my consumption possible. If you’re not aware of the great service these individuals do for us daily, all you have to do is head to Tripadvisor and search for a random hotel to see the level of detail that these reviewers will go into (with photo receipts!).
In a nutshell, reviews are an underrated goldmine on the internet. It doesn’t mean you’ll always be happy with everything you buy or book online, but they’re great if you’re aiming to save yourself money, time and regret.
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What are your thoughts on reviews? Do you leave them often?
It’s officially Tue-nes-ri-day 37th December, and I’m in the throes of timelessness.
Even to make that joke (shoutout to the viral tweet that made it first), I had to look at my phone to check what day it is. Weirdly, by the time work ends in December and I’m officially off, I just track time based on milestones. ‘Christmas is in X amount of days, ’ and after that is Boxing Day, and so forth. If you asked me, even on Christmas day, what day it was exactly, you would not have gotten a confident answer from me. You still wouldn’t, I’m afraid.
That time between Christmas & New Years when you don't know what day it is, who you are, or what you're supposed to be doing pic.twitter.com/dlvgwkxpmX
We are officially now in that weird haze between Christmas and New Years when we're all like what day is it? Are banks open? Are other people working? Is it still okay to eat leftover ham? What am I doing with my life? Is my ex happy?
Christmas leftovers are gone, if not down to the final crumbs. My schedule and body clock discipline are in the gutter, but to be honest, I don’t mind it too much. I’ve made the most of it, breezing through a few films in the comfort of my four walls, and even branched out to the cinema to watch the most recent Avatar film (Avatar: Fire & Ash). If you’ve watched it (or any other, let me know so we can compare notes!)
Amber Alert (Netflix) – recent thriller following two strangers on an impromptu mission to rescue a kidnapped child.
Mothering Sunday (2021) ft Olivia Coleman and Colin Firth – alright but a bit dry, which was surprising considering its strong cast.
Happiest Season, a Lesbian festive romcom featuring Kristen Stewart.
Boxing Day – British festive romcom featuring (and produced too, I believe) by Aml Ameen
I’m trying to really savour slowing down and having rest. Particularly when working takes up all your time, you lose opportunities to crack on with certain tasks. For me, it’s usually related to cleaning my flat in some shape or form. Because those tasks are never urgent and I’m physically out of the house for work, they’re so easy to just keep putting off. So, this winter break has been valuable to just catch up on that backlog as well as crack on with some life admin and film bingeing.
Despite my mixture of moaning and joy this season, I am aware, as it does every year, that this winter break will be over in a flash of an eye. In fact, it nearly is – I’m just trying not to think about it too much. Literally by next week (of January 2nd for some poor souls), they’ll be back in the office like last week never even happened. All the books, deep cleaning, and film watching on their list will have to wait till the next bank holiday or annual leave they have.
On that note – I’m wishing you a peaceful break, while it lasts. 😊💖
Am I the only one not feeling massively festive this year? Perhaps, it’s the Grinch in me talking. I’m currently in my flat, cooking pulled pork for an overdue lunch in a barely decorated living room. And, unbelievably so, Christmas is tomorrow. It really doesn’t feel like it, Maybe it’s because it’s in the middle of the week, which feels a bit underwhelming.
Don’t get me wrong, I did try to manufacture the spirit within myself, but to no avail. Blasting Christmas songs, which I allowed to invade my shower playlist from late November*. Most recently, heading to The Range (Dollar Tree-vibes for those outside of the UK) and aimlessly searching around for décor to hang in my flat that would conjure up this elusive Christmas spirit. It seemed like a good idea when I entered the doors of the store. Unfortunately, others had already had that idea. But several hours, if not days, before me. So after spending 10-15 minutes browsing overpriced Christmas trees and empty shelves, I decided to call it a day. My debit card was probably grateful for the decision.
I do wonder if this Christmas funk is linked to basically abandoning the purchasing of gifts at this time of year. I stopped doing so a few years ago, along with most card giving. Although there is an occasional sense of guilt, most of the time I’m fine with it. For those around me, I’ll usually compensate with a nice birthday gift, since I take those more seriously. Then I start to think about just how closely I’ve defined Christmas with STUFF. And lots of meaningless stuff, to be precise.
Consumerism has really warped my view of what at its heart, is meant to be about Christ, joy and the priceless gift of salvation. So that’s what I’ll be reflecting on tomorrow and being grateful for. I hope you’re able to hold tight to the festive spirit (if you’re in it!) and feelings of joy and gratitude this Christmas. Delegate where you can, blast good music and make sure you at least have a blissful nap or two to round off a rollercoaster of a year.
Society has apparently gone through a shift. Many are ditching alcohol to pursue sobriety. Or so that’s the story I’ve seen on many lifestyle focused newspaper articles and podcasts.
Alcohol Change UK, for example, states that 1 in 5 adults in the UK (20%) report not to drink alcohol. The trend of being ‘sober curious’ has increased over time, particularly amongst GenZ who are seen to be more health conscious than previous generations.
And to some extent, talking to people I know about why they stopped or reduced their alcohol consumption does validate these claims. However, one thing I’m noticing is that many of the restaurants and bars are not in on this shift. It’s an interesting mismatch since businesses are usually on the forefront of adapting their offering to cater to trends. I mean, it’s not necessarily an expectation but is typically what makes business sense.
I myself am not a big drinker, it doesn’t mean I’m teetotal. However, I find myself to not be a massive fan of the taste of most types of alcohol. That compared with the fact mocktails and soft drinks are always cheaper means drinking alcohol will never be my default preference – even in pub or bar. When I do drink it will indeed be socially and usually, whether I like to admit it or not, due to some underlying social pressure. You deciding not to drink often becomes the topic of conversation, people often acting as if they’ve just discovered you’re joining a nunnery. It’s quite tiring at times. All a girl wants is to drink her lemonade in peace, but no can do. 😅
Despite 20% of the UK not drinking, you’ll be surprised that I still go to places, request mocktails at their bar and get blank stares from the bartender. Typically, I’ll see them struggle to answer, or get a blunt no and have to succumb to a soft drink or tap water. This has happened more often than expected. Something I’ve also noticed is that a lot of offers for food involve an alcohol and tend to not have a non-alcoholic alternative. I remember going to a spa many years ago with a friend and being greeted on arrival with prosecco. It was a lovely visit but when asking if they had any drink alternatives they just answered ‘no’. This indicates to me they’ve never even considered the fact guests booking the voucher may not drink. How bizarre and how frustrating.
Some bars and restaurants are doing a great job though, embracing a full range of mocktails on their menu and non-alcoholic beers and gins. What I appreciate the most is creativity, having a tailored menu in this area shows you really value all customers and put thought into everything you offer – not just the alcoholic choices because they’re more popular.
Overall I would say yes, The Alcohol Change UK stats show that non-drinkers are indeed a national minority still. However, catering to just the majority does not mean you’re catering to the whole, and to be fully inclusive – that’s important. Yes, it can be costly to implement but it’s always a worthwhile investment.
Is it me, or does it feel like everyone was getting married in late September this year?
Don’t get me wrong, I love love – I was even at a wedding myself recently!
However, it did get me thinking of what I wanted my proposal to look like.
Recently, when talking to a friend who was herself heading to a surprise proposal for someone else, I said I’m happy for my man (when I have one lol) to propose to me on the sofa. She was quite surprised, and we laughed about it because it was clear we had opposing views on this. And maybe sofa is a bit of an understatement – I still definitely want effort and a carefully crafted affair.
The sentiment of wanting it to be a private and beautiful moment – ideally between just us two – still stands. When I think of the idea of public proposals, something about them just increases my stress levels massively. Although they can be a great chance to splash cash and exercise creativity, they’re too ‘in your face’ for a momentous event that shouldn’t really be anyone else’s business.
I remember there was even a TV show for a brief time on BBC Three, which followed an agency which solely specialised in creating public engagement ideas – think flashmobs and bright costumes. Their existence shows the appetite for lavish proposals is huge! Quite questionable to me, but also an unsurprising sign of the times. I do get the appeal, customers that go to them and do these lavish proposals want to scream about their love from the city rooftops. A private affair, perhaps, is doing a disservice and not reflective of their passion for their partner (or so they believe). It definitely screams confidence – to echo Isla Fisher’s quote from Definitely Maybe.
However, for me, when you have a large crowd of people, there’s a natural need to perform and act/respond in a certain way. Most people will say ‘yes’ through teary eyes, but I often wonder if it sometimes feels like slight coercion. So many eyes are on you, waiting for a positive response. They want to cheer and clap and then go about their daily lives, forgetting about you. Yet it’s you who has to live with whatever answer you say in that moment – particularly if it’s not a genuine one. Buy what else can you really say in that moment? I’m not the best actor in the world; if completely blindsided in such a way, I worry that my face will betray me, and annoyance or confusion will show. And not in a cute way.
There’s also an Instagrammification of proposals that also bothers me. They’re literally moments that have ‘fake privacy’, tailored to look good for online posts now. And you can quickly see it when you search for them on the app. I’ve done so, for the research purposes of this post, and can tell you that a solid 95% of them have a standing love heart arch made of roses, and lots of rose petals on the ground. Is there any other way to do proposals these days? Well, according to social media – no. To me, this tarnishes the moment, distorting it to something that’s more for the spectators as opposed to those there in the moment.
No natural way to end this post but let’s make proposals great again, and keep them for an audience of two, please.
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Do you have any stories of proposals you’ve witnessed, attended or even your own? Would love to hear them! Comment below and let’s chat 😊
So yes, the title of this post isn’t entirely correct (but is any headline these days?).
We’re in that weird period where summer has ended, but the sun is trying to hold on to its last days of glory.
I’ve done my mourning, but what I’m probably not mentally ready for is the shorter days, particularly when you leave the office and it’s already dark or the sun is starting to set. 😭
What this means in the UK is that the weather is fairly unstable and predictable. There are lots of clouds and ghastly winds on most days right now. We even had hailstones a few weeks ago, for goodness sake.
Each day, I look at the weather forecast and try to figure out if it’s a winter coat or denim coat day. The former is the winner of the majority of those votes on most days, and I suspect I’ll be upgrading to full-time winter coat wearing in a matter of days, if not weeks.
I enjoyed the summer, but Autumn sun is so wholesome – there’s something about it that can’t really be captured or described in a sentence. However, we seem to have missed that lovely Autumn sun period, so I’m a bit sad, I can’t lie. Then again, October awaits, so I may be proven wrong. Who knows.
My current watch on Netflix is a Korean drama called Hierarchy. The series is set in an elite private school. It explores the school’s (toxic) mini-society. The story centres on the protagonist, academy newbie, Kang-Ha, who’s there to turn it upside down. He has an agenda, but it turns out, he’s not the only one. Very riveting watch so far, would recommend.
One couple in the show (Jae-i and Ri-an); experience a sudden break-up. ‘Sudden’ in the sense that Jae-i doesn’t necessarily explain why the breakup is happening, she just asks for it and goes on her way. Throughout the rest of the drama this activates some possessive monster in her ex, Ri-an, who is keen to win her back at all costs. When that doesn’t work, he decides to sabotage or physically harass anyone who remotely gets close to Jae-i.
I’m coming to the end of the show, and I can’t help thinking Ri-an is a terrible human being. Very self-involved, territorial, and unstable emotionally. However, when we see the flashbacks of him in his relationship with his ex, we see very caring, tender and emotionally vulnerable moments. Them running on the beach. The pair cosying up together on the sofa etc.
This brings me to my main point for today. This trope of the boyfriend who’s brutally mean to everyone except their partner needs to end. Firstly, why is that not a red flag? Even if you’re the most lover of lover boys, why does your kindness and compassion end when you’re not around me or in my vicinity? It’s a big indication of someone’s character if that’s their habit, and not in a good way.
I suspect this trope comes up a lot because film and TV writers think ‘oooo look, we’re creating a very 3D character/love interest here.’ ‘There’s more to him than meets the eye. Yes, he’s a ravaging bully who destroys souls, but look at how passionately he can love the female lead. Determined to protect her and make her laugh in every way.’
I get it, I get it. And yes, we are in desperate need of more complex, authentic characters – emotionally vulnerable and especially male ones. The intention and good idea are there, but with questionable execution, perhaps.
But if you’re that picky with your kindness and refuse to acknowledge the humanity in everyone other than your partner? Then there’s something sincerely wrong there, so I’ll politely give it a pass. It’s why the dating period is primarily one of observation at the best of times. How does your date speak to those around them? Family and friends are included in that list. But the TRUE test is in the nature of their interactions with those you don’t have any particular relationship or emotional attachment to. Waiters at restaurants. Cleaners in offices and hotels.
What do you think? Would love to exchange thoughts in the comments! 🙂
Don’t you feel the fatigue of always been targeted my adverts?
Buy this! Try that! 30 Day Free Trial! Two for the Price of one!
There’s so many of them and often I’m glazed over, in an indifferent state. But equally, there are times when I’m just trying to simply gather my thoughts and then I look over, perhaps whilst standing at the train station, and BAM I spot an advert. Intrusive, bold and pushy. Selling me something shiny and trying to convince me I can’t live without it. It’s like we can’t be left alone for a split second.
I open my emails, filled with ads and newsletters aggressively trying to sell something you likely don’t need or can’t afford. Same with TV. Same now with many streaming sites, as they embrace advertising in order to offer cheaper tiers of membership. And don’t get me started on podcasts – even on Spotify Premium they’re now rife. There’s literally no refuge. Unless you fork out the money that is, and who has the time for that.
Often, the ads are irrelevant and not of interest. And even if it is I’m often sceptical thinking that the product or offer being pushed out has some small print designed to catch me out. It’s why I barely ever sign up for free trials because I fear suddenly being caught in a web, trying to escape a service I don’t even like, use or intend to use long-term (think meal prep kits, exercise classes and streaming subscriptions). As you’ll know, based on experiences with customer services, if I can avoid having to fight customer services on the phone, then I will.
Instagram is where I can easily fall prey, so I have to be extra vigilant. Advertisements gently slip onto your timeline in the form of glossy, carefully manufactured content from influencers. Sometimes they’re so good you don’t even realise they’re an ad, especially if you’re not in the habit of properly reading post captions. Even the other day I saw an influencer advertising a spa getaway somewhere in the UK. I’m a sucker for a weekend getaway and a hot tub (a killer combo, if you ask me) so I perked up. I instantly went to her page and started looking through the hotel page. I closed it immediately after seeing the price per night because it was ridiculously expensive. Very annoying but I’m sure my bank account was thankful for my moment of wisdom.
How do you feel about adverts? Have you fallen for any against your better judgment that you can look back on at laugh at now?
Don’t you just love it when a good plan comes together?
It’s a peaceful night. You’re out with your friends enjoying life, sipping a drink and chatting away in a restaurant and thinking about how you love moments in life like this. The joy. The chat. The food.
You know who also loves a good plan coming together? Your planner friend.
We all have them. The friend in the group chat who drives forward plans, determined to make them a reality beyond everyone just saying ‘it would be great to catch up sometime’. They’ll do polls and send lots of replies, nudging everyone to get involved or send them money for an outing. They’re driven, they’re doers, and yes, they can be impatient, but they’re also efficient and can be trusted to get the task done. They’re close to priceless when it comes to planning important life events like baby showers and hen dos (bacherlettes and surprise birthday parties.) In fact, it’s in those moments their skills and organisation levels shine brightest.
However, as a self-identified planner friend myself, I write this to say, sometimes your planner friends need a break! They can’t always be the ones trusted to be proactive and make things happen. Although they can do it, are good at it and may often even get joy out of it, IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY SHOULD ALWAYS DO IT. What can then happen is that some friendship groups may fall into a dynamic where they over-rely on the planner to make things happen. If that friend can’t make the event, then the plan doesn’t happen, or it does but is shoddily planned and executed.
Enough is enough. Treat your planner friend once in a while (if not, more) and show that they can put their feet up. That their love for their friends isn’t unrequited – effort is taking place on all sides other than theirs. I get it, we’re all busy people and have lots going on in life. But it does sometimes get to a point where you have to evaluate your capabilities and time. What are you prioritising? Surely not everything in your diary is inflexible and important? A quick shuffling around of commitments can sometimes be all it takes to free up your time to do some planning. And that’s if planning even needs that much time, often the steps towards making a social happen can be quick and easy with minimal time needed (once a plan has been decided, that is!)
If the planner friend never catches a break, then there can be a danger of resentment building. And trust me, it’s only when the planner friend takes a step back or decides to ‘retire’ that you realise just how important a role they played in the friendship group.
Moral of the story: Give your planner friend(s) a break. They are valuable, so treat them like it!
Love is in the air! And with Valentine’s Day soon approaching, I’m emotionally preparing for my social media timelines to be flooded with manicured dates, and several rose petal engagement announcements.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love love but at this particular time of year, for those of us single and still searching, it can be quite raw. Almost like a scar that only hurts when prodded.
That being said, I am a romantic at heart, so I do use dating apps, hoping to one day match with the dream person (because, who knows – it could happen). As someone who is a well-seasoned navigator of dating apps (on and off), I’m writing this to men who also use these apps. I’ve had enough of men who are unserious and half-heartedly using these apps.
Here’s five things you need to stop doing on apps this year, please!
Boring conversation
Nothing irritates me more than this. If you’re just going to waste someone’s time with one worded answers then leave them alone. Every day it’s ‘hi’, ‘how are you?’ on repeat but nothing much seems to happen beyond that and I’M TIRED. Sometimes I think maybe I’m not asking good enough questions, but lately I’ve started to notice that even with questions I’ve intentionally asked to get longer answers some people stubbornly refuse to give them. I did confront someone once when I believed I was asking all the questions and he wasn’t. He immediately got defensive and refused to believe that was true. As you can imagine, that match didn’t last long.
All I’ll say on this is that don’t have half hearted conversations and then wonder why you’ve been ghosted! If you have to copy and paste conversation starters from Google, so be it. Just so some effort because the person you match with cannot get a sense of your interest if you don’t.
2. Not reading people’s profiles
It’s been long said that men are visual creatures. And even if you aren’t necessarily one, dating app interfaces are undeniably created to favour visuals. Photos take up more space on a profile and there’s generally more of them in the ratio of photos to words. What this therefore means is that people that match with you may not read your profile properly before doing so. They’ll just see a photo or two and like your profile.
They’ll likely only read it after matching and realise ‘oh wait – she lives too far’ or ‘oh goodness, she’s looking for something long term and I’m not’. That’s when ghosting may happen, or they may not reply to even begin with. Save yourself the stress and just read the profile in advance before swiping right.
On the flips side, one of my favourite things is when a man matches with me and during the conversation refers to my profile in our chat i.e. – ‘I see you’re a big bookworm – I read this awesome book recently…’ because it shows thoughtfulness and attention to detail. Gold stars all around.
3. Minimal effort profiles
Minimal effort, will get you minimal returns. Yes, say it with me again so it marinates. Put some more effort into your profile, take some decent photos that represent your personality and how you spend your life (i.e. hobbies, outings, friends etcs). Too many profiles from men have one word answers, copy and pasted jokes (God forbid I read another line about pineapple on pizza) and voicenotes that make no sense to any logical human being. It’s gotten to the point where it’s even made great fodder for a social media page (check out @hingeboiz on Instagram).
4. Questionable photos
Many men will use the standard photos of themselves with a dog or baby, to unlock the ‘awwws’ in a woman’s heart. Nothing wrong with that – in fact, I often enjoy these photos. The photos I don’t understand are shots with women that look awfully close for comfort. Yes, men and women can indeed be friends but out of all shots you chose that one?
Other photo choices I find questionable – memes, using the same photo twice or more and gym selfies (can’t explain it but they give me a major ick.)
Also contrary to popular belief – you can SMILE in photos! Whoever told you that not doing so, as man, looks sexier, is lying. You aren’t applying for a post in the navy and we need to see you have a happy side somehow.
5. Not using your real name
Obviously, it’s within your right to choose what name you put on your profile. But may I suggest your actual government name being a good place to start? More and more these days I see people using names that clearly aren’t their real ones. ‘Mr Nice Guy’, ‘Tee’ and other random names. The question therefore becomes, why are you doing this? What are you so keen to hide? If it’s your presence on the app then people will likely figure that out from your photos alone – which are an easier identifier than your first name, by the way. It’s giving, dishonesty; so, a very light red (and unavoidable) flag, if you ask me.
It’s really a miracle I’ve been able to condense it to five points but there we are. If you are using dating apps and feeling a similar way, why not send this article in the direction of someone who you’re talking to, who is wasting your time. Maybe they’ll read between the lines (or the actually lines of this post) and get the message.
TheArtofChatter 